Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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