I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
