hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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