When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
