it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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