why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
