i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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