yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
