he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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