you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
