If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
