I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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