Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
