Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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