the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
