this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This toilet bowl is my home.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
