Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
