I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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