I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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