I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
