Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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