i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dicks are not precious.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
