Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
