dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize