he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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