Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
