what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
