my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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