Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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