I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
