I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
