I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
