I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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