If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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