I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
