I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
