I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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