i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
