Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
