you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
