Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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