ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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