just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
