me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
