Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize