Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
