My cat gives me a boner
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize