I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
