so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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