Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
