He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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