Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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