just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
