i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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