Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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