Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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