Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize