I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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